10 Signs of Unhealthy Personal Boundaries, and What Should Be Done About It

Healthy personal boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships with yourself, surrounding people and the whole world. When our personal boundaries are “ill”, we often feel irritation, fatigue, disrespect to ourselves, even not realizing the reason of such condition.

If you from time to time have difficulties in communicating with other people, have feelings of being abused, disrespected, feel that your interests are ignored, most likely you have problems with personal boundaries.

Here are 10 signs which unmistakably indicate this:

You have difficulties to say “NO”

It’s the main and the most characteristic sign of weak personal boundaries. It’s unbearable for you to refuse someone to do something, even if we talk about inconvenient, unprofitable or even unsafe things for you.

Every time you say: “Sure, no problem”, - and then blame yourself for cowardice.

You often feel like a victim of circumstances

Blaming someone else or certain circumstances for your failures means admitting that they have a decisive influence on your life. That you aren’t the one who is responsible for everything that happens to you, but some irresistible forces create endless obstacles on your way to a dream.

This sign also tells that you, both in your thoughts and in real life, easily let strangers come to your personal territory and control your life.

You avoid any conflicts

Constant confrontation with others is also a sign of unhealthy personal boundaries, the problems with which make a person feel the need to be aggressive, even where it’s not appropriate.

But another situation is much more common, when we make every effort to avoid any hint on a healthy conflict, the one in which the truth should be born. Conflicts are a part of a mature person’s normal communication. We have our interests, needs, desires which may contradict or interfere with other people’s interests. A search for compromise begins with a collision when each party tells what is acceptable or desirable for it, and what is not.

A human with healthy personal boundaries does it calmly, without any tension. A person with unhealthy boundaries agrees on anything which is beneficial for everyone, except him- or herself.

You find it difficult to assert your rights, interests or simply desires

In particularly advanced cases you also may consider this to be your virtue. Like, everyone around is so selfish, but I’m not.

Behind this, there is fear of being judged for daring to say what you really want. A desire to be a “Good girl” worthy of people’s approval outweighs everything.

You often blame yourself

In everything, from serious things to small beer. A human with healthy personal boundaries also admits his or her mistakes, but in a constructive way: to analyze, make conclusions and move further.

But you tend to get stuck in replaying situations when you are dissatisfied with yourself.

You feel responsible for other people’s feelings

The reasons for such behavior have childhood roots. We were taught to behave so that nobody felt upset, and it became your life program.

Instead of focusing on your own needs and life, you spend a lot of energy checking the reactions of others to your actions and constantly get anxious about it.

To realize the true reason for your anxiety and work it out, start with a Game. Sometimes, to understand a problem’s reason means a big part of its solving.

You are absolutely not ready to accept any criticism directed at you

Unhealthy personal boundaries may be almost transparent, as well as too strict. In the first case, you obediently swallow any (even toxically critical) comments directed at you, in the second – you react aggressively, inadequately to the circumstances.

Sure, we may cause different reactions in the surrounding people, including those we don’t like. But healthy personal boundaries are an ability to hear and see in such reactions the possibilities for growth or to calmly say in response to toxic comments: “I don’t like the way you are talking to me”.

You take any rejection as a personal tragedy

The thing is that shaky personal boundaries are real rust for our self-confidence, and unconfident people usually generalize their experience and make a conclusion that something is wrong with them in general. Not with an idea, not with a separate project, not with these certain relationships – but with themselves in general.

Refusal, meanwhile, is as much a part of communication as consent, therefore there is no sense in giving it the utmost importance.

You let people ask you awkward questions and you interfere in other people's lives

Personal boundaries are the inner rules which determine how other people may behave with us and how they must not. On the other hand, they are the understanding of how we may treat other people and how you must not. The problem usually exists on both sides at the same time.

People with unhealthy personal boundaries let others ask them awkward questions, make excuses, try to look better to be approved by other people, and just as brazenly invade other people's personal territory – with comments, unasked advice, judgment, and rumors.

You try to alter your relatives, friends and colleagues

One more characteristic sign of weak personal boundaries. Instead of being brave to get on with your life, you try to prove something to other people. They will become better, and my life will improve, too!

If from time to time you have ideas that you should put someone to shame, cite someone as an example of “how it should be” (“how real men act”, “how loving mothers do” and so on), create circumstances in which a person “will understand everything by him- or herself”, or in any other way manipulate with other people’s emotions, it clearly means that you miss a healthy wall between your and other people’s lives.

Sure, we may dislike something in people we communicate with. But a person with healthy boundaries either talks about it openly, trying to find a compromise, or controls his or her reactions, changing his or her attitude where it’s possible. And where it’s not – just leaves the toxic surrounding.

What should we do with unhealthy personal boundaries?

Make them healthier. Determine what is important for you, settle the inner rules which you won’t break under any circumstances, realize that no tragedy will happen if you declare your desires or refuse someone about something.

Radical changes won’t come at once – mental processes need time for implementation and adaption. But you may make small steps even today. When next time something touches you in a conversation with your aunt or colleague, don’t react automatically according to the usual scenario. Let yourself realize your emotions and answer the question: “Why do I find this unpleasant?” If you wish and have inner force for it, you may even talk about it, gently and kindly, but firmly speaking about what was unpleasant for you.

Important! Refusing others or protecting yourself, do not get personal. Reproaches like “You never took me into account” or “You are always lecturing me!” will lead to nothing good. Stay on topic in conversation and don't let yourself get drawn into unnecessary discussions. For example, like this: “You know, I feel uncomfortable when someone decides for me. Next time, please, call me first, ok? Thank you”.

Reconstructing your personal boundaries, don’t forget about other people’s boundaries. Stop yourself each time, when you want to give someone an assessment, ask a confusing question, or pass on someone's gossip. Improvement of personal boundaries is a two-way street. Disrespect for feelings or privacy of other people won’t let you learn and teach others to respect yourself.