Non-Childish Mother-and-Daughter Game

The most pleasant memories of childhood are connected with mom. With her care, love, support. With her hugs, emotional conversations and delicious pastries.

The most painful memories that come to mind like frozen icebergs are also connected with mom. With her reproaches, with a word that you hear inside yourself when you haven’t coped with something, with her desire to control your life.

Torn wounds of the insults with your mom hurt all your life. You get into dependent relationship with her, and then run from her as quickly and as far as possible.

Wounds from the shackles of guilt, shame and fear bleed in your soul. You haven’t lived up to expectations and you can hardly do it sometimes. You stopped talking and the word “mom” have stuck in your throat for a long time and remained unpronounced.

You have vowed not to be like your mom, but you watch in confusion how you turn into a mirror image of your mother. And now you hear how your children speak in words from your own childhood.

What should you do when relationship with the closest person turns into hell?

Firstly, accept the fact that everything that happened in your childhood has already happened, and this can’t be changed. You can and should change your attitude to this.

Should you go to the psychotherapist? It depends on what you want to receive as a result of such work. A good psychotherapist will always warn you that in your life the ideal relationship with your mom might not happen. But you will separate from her. And this means that the adult, uninjured part of your personality, will begin to build her happy life, no matter how the relationship with your mom develops.

If you are looking for the confirmation that your mom is guilty in all your troubles and misfortunes, and are not ready to take responsibility for your adult, independent life, the psychologist could hardly help you.

Secondly, do not require from your mom things which she, in your opinion, haven’t given you in enough amount. Now you have all resources and possibilities to do it for yourself by yourself. Mom didn’t praise you – start to praise yourself everyday and in unlimited amounts. Mom didn’t support you and you haven’t learnt to play piano, draw, sing – find groups, classes, teacher and start studying. Mom has given you not enough love – become such a loving and accepting adult for yourself who you missed so much in your childhood.

Thirdly, stop all your attempts to change your mother. She is an adult person with her own values, live scenario, world views. She lives her life as she considers it right.

Good news! You do not have to live like your mother does. You have come to this world to live your own life. So, live it joyfully and happily.

I like to think that sometimes mom lives a rather tough life full of struggle, depreciation and enmity to herself and, as a result, to everyone else. And she does it with an only one aim – to show her daughter how she SHOULD NOT live. Think about it. And then thank to your mom’s soul for taking on herself such a difficult duty.

Remember that limits are important in any relationships. Relationship with your mother is not an exception. It doesn’t mean that you should run away or even stop communicating with her. It means that you have a right for your own space, opinion, values, desires. That you have a right to do or not do things wanted from you. And that you do not have to live up to expectations, realize someone else’s dreams and be an obedient girl.

However, you will never build a good relationship with your mom, if in your heart there is a hole from pain, insults and claims. Only from the standpoint of acceptance and love it is possible to preserve friendly relations with mom, respecting her life and yours, living by your own scenario and not correcting mistakes in hers.

A great happiness is to have a loving and supportive mom. A great wisdom is to accept your childhood and start building wonderful relationships with your mom and with yourself!