Let Go NEVER Hold

It seems that only yesterday you held your baby in your arms, kissed those plump cheeks, hugged with all your mommy love. And today your kid has his/her own point of view, own opinion and courage to defend herself. And you understand that here is the moment. The moment when it is time to let go.

But are you ready to do it? How to do it CORRECTLY?

So, by 16-17 years old you should have separated from your kid and say not “we”, but “me and my daughter or son”. The first sign of your reluctance to let your kid go is that you persist to say “we”: “we pass the exams”, “we will enter the university”, “we are choosing a profession”.

In fact, your kid can already make his/her own decision and take responsibility for his/her actions. And in case there is “we”, he/she will always look around to see if he/she does everything correctly, because he/she takes responsibility for this “we”. Imagine how your kid feels if he/she always has to compare his/her decision not with his/her own experience, inner state, but with the feeling of “we”, trying not to offend his/her mom-dad, satisfy their expectations, and so on. In addition, the kid will live not his/her own life and at some moment could with full right tell you: “This is what you wanted, but not me!”

This is why the first and foremost is to give an adult kid his/her independence and responsibility. But you should do it carefully, with maternal blessing, belief and support, and not “toss” a stone “do what you want, you are adult” at your child.

One of the most painful moments for a mother is “terrible” mistakes of her kid. You are adult, wise woman, and it is normal for you to have a desire that your kid doesn not make the same mistakes which you have made during your life. But in life everything happens exactly the opposite way: the more you take care of, protect, control your son or daughter, so that they did not repeat your mistakes, the more often they actually do repeat them.

Give your kid a right for a mistake. No, do not let chips fall where they may. But it is better to understand and accept the fact that even if you have told not to do something for a thousand of times, your kid may decide to check it. And it is totally normal.

You should and even must talk to your adult kid about awkward things, answer the awkward questions and be ready that he/she may ask about something that you would never discuss with your parents.

But keep in mind, if a kid asks you such questions, this means, firstly, that he/she trusts you for 100%. Secondly, give a frank and truthful answer, because this is what may protect him/her from life surprises.

Your son or daughter have to understand that there is some danger in the world. But you are always there and ready to come and help your child. Talk to your kid about certain situations which may threat his/her life and safety. Think together about a word which will be a signal of a dangerous situation. The child should understand that if he/she finds himself/herself in a certain unpleasant situation and he/she tells you this code word by phone or in a message, you will not give him/her lectures and repeat “I told you”, but you will come to succor. It is really important! Trust, this rule has saved a lot of kids’ lives.

It is a question of trust between you all: mother, father and child. Give a truthful answer to the question: have you always been frank with your parents? Did your parents know everything about you? If your answer is “no”, and this is how it happens to all of us, so why have you decided that your kid should behave in another way?

Remember why you did what you did. What was your motivation? Did you consider yourself to be a bad person then? How did you treat your parents? And how did they treat you? What did you want to change in your relationships?

And now think how would your kid answer these questions.

If you get frank answers you will understand why you have this exact situation.

Believe in and trust your kid. Be for your child the wings which let him/her realize his/her own dreams and goals, but not a ballast which always limits, tells what to do and requires from a kid something which you came up with yourself. Modern adult youngsters are not such as you, your husband or your relatives were. Your kid may be or may not be like you. He/she may satisfy your expectations or not. And it is wonderful!

The most valuable thing which your son or daughter may learn from you is to be happy! But you can teach them to be so only if you know yourself how it is like to be happy!

So, be happy, and, trust me, then your children are doomed for a happy life!