Why relationships don\'t work out: 5 reasons for women\'s loneliness

Female loneliness is a painful topic, shrouded in many stereotypes and even superstitions. "But you're so beautiful and successful—how could you be single?!" Countless attractive, intelligent and successful women have had to endure this ambiguous compliment....

So, why is it that despite all your efforts and external well-being, you can't seem to build a strong and warm relationship? When you do meet men, they're always the wrong ones. And the ones who seem to fit all the parameters eventually disappear, with everything ending before it has even truly started.

The obvious reasons for loneliness are self-evident. If you don't leave the house, refuse to meet potential suitors, or simply don't have time for even a five-minute coffee date, you can hardly expect any changes in your personal life.

But if you are more or less "on the radar", ready to meet people and even make attempts yourself, the issue most likely lies in the underlying causes of female loneliness - psychological barriers that prevent you from creating real intimacy.

1. Fear of being vulnerable

Emotional intimacy requires courage and a willingness to open up to the other person. Without this, even the strongest feelings are doomed to failure.

Unfortunately, many of us have gone through betrayal, a toxic relationship, or a very painful breakup. A natural reaction to that experience is to close your heart so that no one else can hurt you.

On the one hand, this seems logical and even right. On the other hand, it leads to emotional isolation. Even when paired with someone, such a woman lives her own life as if shutting herself off from her partner with an invisible glass wall.

Check yourself. Do you try to control every situation, including your partner's feelings? Are you afraid of appearing too weak and needy? Do you put on a mask of confidence and detachment instead of admitting that you need support? These are all signs that you have a fear of intimacy in you.

Oddly enough, men read your "armor" on a gut level. As a result, those who are looking for a serious relationship, will often stay away from you, because no one wants to spend their life on a senseless struggle for your feelings and trust.

What can you do? You just need to learn how to feel safe in emotional intimacy. The best way to do this is to see a competent psychotherapist. But you can also improve your condition on your own by teaching yourself to listen to and trust your feelings, and by realizing that vulnerability and weakness are not flaws, but an integral part of any relationship (try the Game to see how much you can hear your inner voice). Only with their presence will there be room for real warmth and sincerity.

2. Exaggerated expectations

Remember the joke: the perfect man doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't swear, makes good money, takes care of you, remembers your mom's birthday, gives you gifts, doesn't throw his socks around, and... doesn't exist.

A joke is a joke, but there is some truth to it. The more items you have on your "he should" list, the less chance you have of meeting someone you'll really connect with.

It is commonly believed that women with high standards are simply self-loving and appreciative of themselves. However, according to psychologists in the field of relationships, this is another sign of fear of intimacy. It is easier to immediately set unrealistic requirements and explain away ones loneliness by insisting, "there are no real men left" than to see in a new acquaintance a living person with all their strengths and weaknesses. The ideal image simply becomes a way of avoiding reality, where imperfections are not only possible, but also where happiness can be found.

How do you realize you have this problem? Three main signs:

• You go on dates, but you never get to a relationship because "it's just not the same."
• You fall in love or get into relationships with unavailable or unfree men;
• If something promising starts to take hold, you quickly lose interest.

What to do?

Try revising your expectations. It is not about lowering the bar, but about taking a realistic approach to finding a life partner.

Try this exercise. Take a piece of paper and draw out three columns. The first is what you must have in your partner. The second is what can be or what you are willing to put up with. The third is what you are not ready to accept categorically. This will be enough to move from fantasies about a nonexistent prince to the world of real men, among whom there are many worthy candidates.

3. Unstable self-esteem

This is one of the deepest and most painful reasons why women stay single or attract the wrong men into their lives.

If you carry a feeling of "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worthy of the best" inside you, then you will only meet partners who will confirm this attitude - tyrants, abusers, unfree men, mama's boys and other toxic characters.

If you find it hard to believe that you can be loved for who you are, if you knowingly agree to the worst of all possible options, and if, from the first day of acquaintance, you begin to please, adjust, forget about your own interests and your life, dissolving into the partner, you will have to work on your self-esteem.

I’ve prepared a helpful article on working ways to improve self-esteem. Try to put the recommendations from it into practice, and you will see how the "quality" of men who show attention to you change.

4. Everything's under control!

The habit of keeping everything under control is one of the most destructive habits that prevent women from building happy relationships.

On the surface, it can look quite logical and mature. "I just want to take care of everything", "I feel better this way", "I just know what's best". Nevertheless, behind this it is often a deep fear of loss. The fear that if you let go, everything will fall apart. Or that your partner will definitely let you down.

Excessive control prevents your partner from showing up fully. The woman takes everything on herself - from small domestic issues to strategically important decisions. Your partner either gives up and turns into an unmotivated slob, or simply leaves. It is hard to say what is worse, because in the first case, the woman is left with resentment and frustration feeling "unlucky again".

You're at risk if you're used to holding everything in your own hands, have a hard time trusting other people in general, and think that no one can do it better than you.

The situation is aggravated by anxiety - after all, you have to be constantly on guard… how can you relax? ...

There are two steps to the solution. The first is to try to moderate your anxiety. There is a useful tool on the website in the chat room for identifying its causes and reducing anxiety. Step two - learn to delegate, ask and trust. First in small things. The main thing is to accustom yourself to the feeling that nothing terrible happens if you let go of the reins a little.

Just remember that you can be both strong, smart, and self-sufficient and still trust others. Especially when it comes to a loved one.

5. “A man will come and everything changes.”

Another attitude that programs you, like malware in a computer, to choose deliberately losing life strategies.

Expecting a man to be your savior. Your finances, your career, your entertainment. When I get one, then I'll start! And travel, and hobbies, and look good, and sport.... Moreover, before that, life isn't even life, it's just a draft.

The trap of this position is that a truly strong, resourceful, and fulfilled man is looking for a partner to match him. Not a "man in a skirt", but an equal person - yes, gentle and feminine, but at the same time whole, understanding what she wants and where she is going to. With such a woman he can move mountains! But you can't expect much from someone who is just waiting to be rescued.

When your life is filled with plans, interesting events, and joyful emotions, you radiate a special energy - the energy of a happy woman. This is the very energy that men want to be around.

If you often catch yourself thinking, "What if I had someone...", putting your desires on hold, and viewing relationships as a primary goal rather than another part of your life, try starting now.

Take a trip, start a renovation, go to school, dance, or sign up for a volunteer program - turn your life into an exciting adventure! And then you are sure to meet the one for whom you will be the most beautiful, interesting and desirable.

Female loneliness is not a sentence, a weakness, or a diagnosis. And it is definitely not a reason to give up on your personal life.

This is just a point from which to begin the journey back to yourself. Successful personal relationships begin with a good relationship with yourself - with acceptance, honesty, and a willingness to be alive and vulnerable. Even if you have a bad experience behind you, that's the past. Don't let it steal your future from you.

Live your best life right now. There are so many interesting things around, keep yourself busy, be passionate about something. Be open to the world and its possibilities.

You are worthy of love, respect and support.

Just allow yourself to accept them.